


bones

by brokencompass08



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Blood, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smut, Triggers, Vomiting, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-01-03 11:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21178820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokencompass08/pseuds/brokencompass08
Summary: "how many nights does it take to count the stars?"





	1. .five

It burned and tasted horrible. The throw up. Did Jisung want to be hunched over the toilet, fingers down his throat, and teeth grazing his knuckles as he repeated his action to make himself gag? Of course not! Yet, here he was, doing just that. Once his stomach was practically empty, he leaned against the tub, body shaking and quivering with guilt and coldness. He knows he can’t lay like that for long as everyone else would get suspicious, so he mustered up all his strength, stood up, and flushed the toilet before approaching the sink. He washed his hands and brushed his teeth before staring at himself. “I’m absolutely disgusting.” Jisung thought to himself before pulling out the scale from under the sink. He turned it on, placed it on the floor, and stepped on it. It blinked “52.2kg”. For his height, that weight was still technically just barely normal. He sighed and repeated to step on and off of the scale five times. Each time giving him the same number. Jisung didn’t even realize he’s been in the bathroom for so long until a knock was heard on the door. 

“Ji, are you okay?” It was Chan. 

“Y-yeah! I’m alright.” Jisung tried to sound as normal as possible, as if the stutter wasn’t as abnormal enough.

“Alright…” there was a pause, “just checking.” 

“It’s all good!” Jisung quickly put the scale away, wiped the toilet down just in case, flushed it one last time, and quickly exited the bathroom. 

“You were in there for quite a bit, are you sure you’re okay? You were also coughing up a storm.” Chan said, worry lacing his voice.

“I’m fine, I promise.” Jisung responded, throat still feeling grossly acidic. “I’m going to go lay down.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” the chocolate haired boy said back, making his way to his room. Chan took note of how his frail figure shivered and looked so helpless in the oversized hoodie it adorned. He chalked it up to stress and the fact that the dorm was honestly a bit cold, but this definitely wasn’t Jisung’s normal.

Jisung curled beneath his covers, no amount of blankets warming his body up. He tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable and thinking about the fact that he let himself eat as much as he did. He was in a good mood, not thinking about the calories he was putting into his body. Not thinking about what was in what he was eating. The calories. Calories. Calories. He clenched his teeth thinking about his carelessness. How are the fans supposed to like him if he’s being a pig? How is Minho supposed to be more interested in doing more things with him if he can’t even lift him up. Jisung bets the makeout sessions in the dressing rooms before a stage, the ones where Jisung’s legs are around Minho’s waist and his back is pressed against the wall, Minho is using all the strength he can to hold Jisung up.

Not too long before Jisung can really get into his thoughts, a pair of warm arms embraced his tiny body. He recognized the arms and the faint Febreze smell immediately. It was Minho. “You look like you’re having a brawl with your sheets.” he spoke, sounding tired.

“I’m just having problems getting comfortable.” 

“No kidding. Ji, you’re ice cold.” Minho’s voice sounded like it was laced with the same worry Chan’s was.

“It’s cold in the dorm. Besides, you know I’m always cold naturally.” Jisung defended.

“I guess you’re right. Are you comfortable now?”

“I am.” Jisung cuddled into Minho, taking advantage of the warmth Minho gave off, closing his eyes.

“Good.” Minho yawned, eyes also closing, arm wrapping around Jisung’s waist. Minho noticed how small Jisung’s frame was. Jisung was always small, it was natural for him, but something wasn’t right. He can feel the boy’s spine. Minho found it concerning and honestly, a bit disturbing. In the end, Minho decided it was just stress, like Chan decided, and drifted off to sleep, not before telling himself to watch Jisung more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new, probably depressing story! I just want to let you all know that I, myself, suffer from anorexia and I hate it, so this is in no way trying to promote it! It's almost a coping method for me, to get all my thoughts out. I would never wish a ED on anyone and I am in no way trying to harm Sungie, he just happened to be the character I picked as the main character! I know the first chapter is very short, but after this chapter, they will be longer. Consider this chapter .5, yeah? Please enjoy!


	2. sorry

Jisung woke up to find himself alone in his bed. Minho’s once warm body was nowhere to be felt. The sun was shimmering through the blinds and onto Jisung’s face as he slowly sat up, looking over. Minho must have only recently left the bed because there was a slight dip in the mattress where he once was. As compared to the dip Jisung left in the bed, it was almost like he wasn’t even there. As much as he hated to think like this, he was a bit relieved Minho left more of an impression than he did. Of course he wasn’t calling Minho fat! Minho was more on the thinner side, besides those thighs that Jisung oh-so-loves, if anything. He just liked how he left less of a mark. 

Breakfast. Breakfast wasn’t supposed to be scary, but it petrified Jisung. He knew if he didn’t eat it, he’d have no energy to get through practice, but he also knew that if he ate it, there are now calories in his body. He was fully aware that if he ate what he did and it was the only thing, he wouldn’t gain weight and it would be burned off anyway, but he also knew that if he ate nothing and still practiced, he could lose weight quicker. Deciding to play it safe despite the angel and devil having a fight on his shoulder, Jisung opted to at least eat a banana and fill up the rest of his growling stomach with water. Hydration is key, right? 

Even though they were all eating together, no one seemed to take notice of how little Jisung ate. He liked it like that. Them being unaware was of course a thing of the morning because they were still half asleep, but it was better than them being aware at all times. It was careless on their part, but no one knew about Jisung’s thoughts and intentions so you couldn’t blame them. Jisung stuck around for a bit before going into his room to get dressed. To his demise, nothing fit him. While loose shirts were a trend and baggy sweatpants, there was no way they could cling to his peaking hip bones without falling off. He tried to pull the drawstring as tight as possible, just being able to make them fit around his waist. 

While staring at himself in the mirror, the squirrel-like boy turned to the side and lifted his shirt up. He already looked so thin and frail despite his ribs poking out like a sore, yet here Jisung was, sucking in his lack of gut to see what he’d look like with a few more pounds shaved off. He also noted how grey and dull his skin looked. If anyone were to be honest, he looked like an escaped body that was being kept in the morgue. The bruise he got a few weeks ago on his elbow was still stuck on his body like a tattoo. It’s like he doesn’t heal. Everything was broken-or at least felt broken. A sudden knock on the door startled Jisung out of his head.

“Sungie, are you ready to go?” it was the youngest fox, Jeongin.

“I’m coming!” Jisung smiled to himself, remembering all the times he’s said that with Minho. Pushing dirty thoughts aside, he grabbed his phone and dashed out the door, slipping his shoes on sloppily while trailing behind the others, holding Minho’s hand as the dancer slowed his pace to match with Jisung’s. Minho took another note on how Jisung’s hand was so cold and felt lifeless in his, despite the grip the younger had on him. It was concerning, if not scary. 

“Are you cold?” the dancer asked, eyeing Jisung.

“I’m alright.” Jisung shrugged.

“Your hand is so cold. You feel dead.” Minho kissed Jisung’s hand.

“I-I’m okay. I promise.” 

“If you say so.” there was a pause, “you worry me, you know that?” Minho pouted. 

“Why?” Jisung slightly tilted his head.

“You look unwell.”

“I haven’t been getting much sleep. Maybe that’s it?” Jisung responded questioningly.

“I hope that’s it.” Minho looked at Jisung’s hand, “did you always have these?” he gently ran his thumb along Jisung’s cut knuckles.

The younger gasped quietly, but quickly thought of an excuse. “I was boxing! I didn’t wear anything to protect my hands. Stupid mistake, yeah?” Minho just nodded and filed into the van along with Chan, Seungmin, and lastly, Jisung. Jisung frowned to himself, he hated lying and he hates to say it, but he’s gotten better since he’s been trying to hide his disorder.

~  
~

Practice has been painful for the past two hours. They only just got to learning the choreography for the chorus and Jisung has gotten scrutinized ten times already, maybe more?

“Ji, you’re still late on the jump.” Minho sighed, disappointment coming out of his throat.

“I’m really sorry…” Jisung practically whispered.

“We’re not pushing this comeback back because of your dumb mistakes.” Hyunjin spoke up, sounding like pure annoyance in liquid gold form.

“I’m sorry.” Jisung repeated, voice still just as quiet as the first time he apologized. He felt his knees go weak and hands shake.

“Is that all you know how to say? That’s all you’ve been saying. Is the criticism reaching you or just going through you?”

Jisung felt himself tear up, eyes watering and throat tightening up. He didn’t even know how to respond, he is taking the criticism, his body is just not going with it.

“Maybe we should take a break.” Felix suggested sensing the thick tension. Chan nodded, leaving the group to sit on the black, leather couch in their practice room. Everyone else dispersed as well, leaving Jisung to collapse to the floor, heart in pain and sweat dripping off of his hair. Minho approached Jisung, standing him up and bringing him out of the practice room. 

“What’s going on with you?” Minho asked, holding Jisung’s hands. Jisung just shrugged, shoulders now shaking from crying. “Hey, hey,” Minho gently lifted Jisung’s head up, “Don’t cry, I’m not upset with you. I just want to know what’s going on. You can tell me anything.” Jisung debated actually coming clean to Minho. Telling him exactly what’s wrong. The not eating, the self-hatred, the negative thoughts, suicidal thoughts… but he didn’t. He lied, again.

“I’m just so worried about actually making us look perfect.” his voice came out shaky.

“Don’t overwork yourself, baby. Focus on the choreography flowing, not getting the steps perfect.”

Jisung nodded, hugging Minho with all of his lack of strength. Minho hugged him back, kissing him gently when the shorter looked up at him with still watery eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

~  
~

Lunch. Jisung wasn’t sure what he hated more. Lunch or dinner. He’s going to say lunch, as that’s when Chan is hyper-aware of what everyone is eating. He likes to make sure the members eat well to replenish their energy. They ordered Korean food. Nothing too crazy. Jisung only had a small cup of rice. It was untouched besides the fact he was pushing it around with his chopsticks.

“Eat, Han.” Chan encouraged, being slightly stern as any good leader would be.

“I am eating.” Jisung stared into his cup of rice. He felt Chan’s eyes burning on him and he knew the only way to get him to stop was to eat. He shakily scooped up some rice with his chopsticks, bringing them up to his lips. He swallowed hard before putting the rice in his mouth. He wanted to spit it out. He felt his body try to reject the food, his gag reflex going. Before he swallowed, he chewed until he felt Chan’s gaze tear away from him. He picked up his half cup of water, slightly shaking it back and forth as if to non-verbally tell the group he’s going to get more water. Changbin nodded in acknowledgement and Jisung slowly got up, learning that he can’t spring up anymore unless he wants to blackout for a moment. 

He quickly made his way out of the practice room, spitting the mouthful of rice into the garbage next to the water dispenser. He shakily wiped his mouth, looking at the gross mush of food slip down the garbage bag to the bottom. “It’s not that hard to eat. Why can’t you do it?” he thought to himself. “They would like it more. They’re probably catching on. No, they don’t care. This is for you anyway, you want to look good.” negative thoughts flooded the rapper’s head faster than he could actually rap. He began to shake, feeling himself slip into an anxiety attack. This can’t be happening right now. He began pinching himself. It was a bad habit he developed to help himself come to. It was practically self-harm, but he couldn’t help it, especially if it did work.

After calming down from his anxiety attack for a hot minute. He made his way back to the practice room, the short walk feeling like hours because of the dizziness overcoming his mind and vision. He knew it was from low blood sugar because he barely ate, but he pushes through it because… well Jisung doesn’t know. He knows he hurting himself. “Just a few pounds more.” he’d tell himself, every single time he’d reach a goal weight he set for himself. At this point, did Jisung even have a goal? He just wanted to lose it all. Everything.

~  
~

Dance practice seemed to go on for hours before they all piled into the vans as tired messes to head back to the dorms, wash up, eat dinner, and sleep. Jisung skipped all of that and went right to bed, telling the group that he felt sick and was going to crash at any moment. He wasn’t wrong, but he knew he did it to himself. He only hurts himself. There was no “okay” for Jisung. Everything was dark, sometimes even numbing or deafening like the silence of his room. He wanted it all to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1-ish! This is definitely longer than the previous one and I hope it's more well written as the other chapter was written after I got home from work and it was about almost twelve in the morning. I'm hoping I can update frequently, but aside from my job, I am a senior in high school so I have a lot of work on my plate. Other than that, enjoy!


	3. not easy

Waking up at three in the morning due to your stomach growling was certainly not ideal for Jisung. Normally, he’d sleep through the hunger, but the mix of not sleeping and not eating has been a pain in the ass. His hormones are probably all out of whack as a result and cause of the reason he’s even up. Jisung carefully climbed out of bed and made his way to the living room. It was so weird to see the dorm so empty. The living room was lit up by the light from the moon and the floor felt cold under the rapper’s bare feet. He went over to the balcony door and peered out. The moonglade over the Han River looked so calm. The waves gently folded through the night, yet somehow, Jisung felt like he was drowning. A certain heaviness piled up in his lungs. He tore his eyes away, hand on his chest. His heart was pounding, but the heaviness was gone, only to be replaced by paranoia. He felt something creep up on him and suddenly, a hand placed itself on Jisung’s back. Startled, Jisung whipped around.

“What are you doing up?” a hushed voice spoke. Jisung looked up at the figure. He recognized the moonlit face. It was Minho.

“I just couldn’t sleep… and you scared me!” the shorter raised his voice, quickly covering his mouth.

“Quiet, baby.” Minho smiled softly and gently took Jisung to the kitchen where the moonlight stretched in. “You skipped dinner.”

“I was just way too tired and what happened during dance practice was still bothering me.”

“I’m still really sorry about that. Maybe Hyunjin needs his dick touched. Jeongin hasn’t been delivering.” Minho gently laughed as Jisung hit his arm lightly.

“Gross!” Jisung half whispered-half yelled, a playful smile forming on his lips.

Without another word, Minho kissed Jisung. Their lips collided gently, like their usual kisses. Only something about this one seemed to make Jisung’s heart flutter a bit more… or maybe it was just palpitations. Whatever the case was, it definitely warmed Jisung’s bitterly cold body. They both pulled away and Minho took his phone out, opening the music app. Jisung watched with curiosity. Soon, Elvis’ “Can’t Help Falling in Love” quietly flowed out of the speakers. The dancer turned the volume up ever-so-slightly and took Jisung’s hands, looking at him with the softest gaze Jisung has ever seen. Their bodies became closer and out of habit from being close to Minho a lot and being shorter, Jisung stepped up on Minho’s socked feet. Honestly it slightly alarmed Minho how he could barely feel the light as paper boy in his arms as he held one of his delicate hands tightly and securely wrapped the other around his waist. In this moment though, he wasn’t concerned. He just let Jisung rest his head on his shoulder and gently swayed back and forth to the music. It was… perfect.

~  
~

At some point throughout the night, Jisung and Minho must have fallen asleep as the chocolate haired boy slowly sat up and looked around. The living room was bright from the morning sun and Minho laid on the black couch, mouth cutely parted open. Jisung smiled before the little voice in his head woke up too, telling him to see what the scale has to say. The smile fell as Jisung dragged himself to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. This was his least favourite part of the morning. His hand shook as he pulled the scale out, placing down as quietly as possible. He took a deep breath before stepping on it. It blinked, “51.2kg”. Jisung sighed. He wasn’t sure if he was satisfied with the weight loss or disappointed it wasn’t more. A loss is a loss through, it’s something. He stepped off the scale and put it back, being careful not to be too loud. Once it was out of Jisung’s sight, he left the bathroom, feeling a thick blanket of sadness fall over him. He shouldn’t be like this. He shouldn’t be enjoying basically seeing himself deteriorate, but he couldn’t help it. It made him feel good.

“Han!” Chan greeted, walking into the living room. “Are you feeling okay? After yesterday, I mean.”

“I am feeling better. Hyunjin was just getting frustrated and he had every right to.” Jisung answered, forcing a small smile.

“I don’t think so, but as long as you’re okay.” the leader studied Jisung up and down. “Are you feeling alright health-wise? You look sick.”

Jisung felt panic wash over him. His own issue is becoming physically visible. “I’m tired, but that’s all.”

“You should get some breakfast.”

“No!” Jisung shot back, “I-I mean, no, not right now. I want to get cleaned up since I didn’t last night.”

“Alright… but eat after.” Chan said skeptically. Jisung only nodded and scurried off into his room, fearing more confrontation.

~  
~

You can only shower so long until it becomes concerning, so here Jisung was, a piece of toast Chan made him sat, untouched, on a plate in front of him. He knew Chan was definitely keeping an eye on him now, only making harder for Jisung to hide, harder for him to curl up more in a shell. He slowly brought the food to his lips, taking a painful bite. This time, he had to swallow it despite how bad his body wanted to reject it, his stomach practically convulsing in disgust. Jisung watched Chan watch him, his body still looking stiff and not softening like at lunch yesterday when he took a bite. He dryly swallowed the food, eyes closing as it went down his throat. Damn, he wanted to throw up so bad. Instead, he took another bite, and another, and another. After the last one he took, Chan looked much calmer. Jisung, on the other hand, not so much. Of all things to eat, this was the thing he ate. He hated it. Hated the food. Hated Chan for making him eat. Hated himself for hating things that weren’t even bad. Everything made him feel like crashing down. A single piece of toast made him want to crash. How sad is that? It’s pathetic and Jisung knows it.

“Are you going to actually do well tomorrow at practice?” Hyunjin snickered, eyeing Jisung with slight disgust.

‘I’ll do fine, Hwang. Back off.” Jisung rolled his eyes, getting up to go to the bathroom. Hyunjin just watched Jisung.

“Food must go through you quickly since you’re always going after eating.” Hyunjin mused, freezing Jisung in his tracks.

“I-I’m just w-washing my hands.”

“There’s a sink in the kitchen.”

“I don’t like that one?” Jisung tried to defend.

“Right. I’m onto you, Han.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes and walked off to his room.

If Jisung wasn’t scared of getting caught before. He definitely is now.

~  
~

The day off was very boring. There was nothing to do and with boredom comes snacking, which is what the other eight boys were doing while watching a movie before they settled into their beds for the night.They all tried to offer Jisung a bit of what they had, but he pushed them all away. He heard the crunching of the boys eating and the crinkling of chip bags louder than the movie itself and honestly, it was making him very uncomfortable. He wanted to tell them to shut up. Instead, he just sat on the floor, wrapping his fingers around his forearm and thighs occasionally to measure them. If someone happened to glance at him while he was doing it, he played it off like he was itchy, stretching, or playing with the rips in his jeans or soft material of Minho’s hoodie he was practically swimming in. He knew it was so bad, but he couldn’t help it. His appearance and weight were the only things on his mind. His mind was his own worst enemy and he was falling victim to it worse than ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! I'm really sorry this was bit delayed. This chapter isn't all that interesting, but the story will progress soon! I know Hyunjin is kind of a douche, but he just happened like that. I also promise you guys will get that smut soon I have tagged ;) I hope all of you are doing well. Enjoy~


	4. blackout

Somehow Jisung woke up with a burst of energy, ready to start the day. He hopes that dance practice will go smoothly today since he can get all the moves down. He knows them, he just doesn’t know how to project them properly without Hyunjin having something to say. Speaking of Hyunjin, he’s been an absolute pain for no reason whatsoever. Jisung hopes he backs down soon before he gathers up all of the strength in his tiny body to punch him in the nose, not that it would hurt, but it made a statement. 

Jisung was all bundled up like there was a snowstorm going to happen, but the weather was only slightly cold, sunny for the most part. He just felt so cold, of course because the kid had no meat on his bones. He's doing it to himself. 

"You look like you're ready to go to the North Pole." Chan noted as Jisung sat in the backseat of one of their vans, crawling in behind him.

"It's just very cold out today." Jisung said, hugging the jacket which so happens to be the black, fuzzy one with the white design that he shares with Minho.

"It's not that cold," Chan noted, again as if he's observing, Jisung's practically purple nails, "you could get away with a heavier hoodie."

"You know I'm always cold though." Jisung retorted. He wasn't really wrong per se. He does have a few more blankets than the others and he's turning up the temperature in the dorm every once in a while. But was it a crime to be warm? 

"You're right, Sung." the blonde leader decided to back off for now. Something didn't feel right in his gut. Maybe it's Changbin's mediocre attempt at making French toast, but something was wrong or was going to go wrong. Chan hated it.  
~  
~  
Dance practice went well, they nailed every move. It was practically perfect. Jisung was even buzzing with energy after not getting yelled at by Hyunjin or corrected by Minho. He felt like he was on top of the world as compared to the last few days where he felt sickly and gross. 

"You finally got it!" Hyunjin cheered, sarcasm lightly blanketing his words as he patted Jisung's bony shoulder. 

"Yeah, yeah." Jisung rolled his eyes, shrugging Hyunjin's hand off. He looked around to find his pretty boyfriend, practically skipping over to him. 

"Someone is in a happy mood." Minho smiled, wrapping his arm around the smaller. 

"I just woke up feeling good!" Jisung smiled at Minho, "come with me to get a drink!" 

"Okay!" Minho giggled and brought Jisung out of the practice room.  
~  
~  
*small smut warning*

Who would have known a trip to get water would result in a heated makeout session in the bathroom. Jisung was currently pinned against the white, tiled wall as Minho's lips worked wonders on his. Tongue occasionally darting in and out of Jisung’s mouth, fighting with the rapper’s. Jisung wasn't one to be quiet, so little whimpers, moans, and whines spilled out when they got the chance. Minho's hands found their way down to Jisung's waistband, undoing his tight skinny jeans. Jisung bit his lip, anticipating more as Minho slid his hands from his hips to his back, face suddenly contorting a bit. 

"Ji, you're taking care of yourself, right?" He suddenly asked. 

Jisung gasped internally, "I am! Things are just hectic and there's only so much you can do. Now," Jisung quickly changed the subject, "take care if the aching I feel!" he quickly covered his mouth. Minho only nodded and palmed Jisung, making the rapper inhale sharply and moan out loudly into his hand. Minho smirked, he loved how Jisung was so loud for him. They were risking so much right now, but the thought of getting caught only made it two times better. Jisung's legs shook as he tried to hold himself up from all the pleasure he was receiving. He opted to putting both of his arms around Minho's neck, his head buried in the crook of it. As he got closer and closer to total bliss, Minho got rougher and faster with his movements. Jisung's moans getting louder and louder until he finally released. His knees buckled and the only thing holding him up was his boyfriend's arm wrapped around his waist, thighs shaking from the aftermath. 

Minho held Jisung up effortlessly, smirking down at him, "I think that's a new record!" the taller giggled.

"S-shut up!" Jisung smiled and laughed, trying to pull himself up. His legs were just not participating. Minho took notice and helped the smaller up more. "Thank you." Jisung managed to stand up straight, placing a kiss on his boyfriend's lips. A sudden knock on the door caused them to jump, Jisung fixing his jeans faster than he's ever done anything. 

"Stop getting your dick sucked and come back to practice." It was Seungmin. 

"Don't be mad because I actually get something!" Minho rolled his eyes playfully. 

"Yah!" Seungmin shouted, clearly annoyed, but also embarrassed. 

"Let's head back before Seungmin pops a blood vessel." the dancer fixed himself and Jisung up before exiting the bathroom.  
~  
~  
The rest of practice went just as well as it did in the morning. Jisung did experience some dizziness and weakness, but hey, it happens. He was buzzed from the bathroom escapade despite it wearing him down quite a bit. He was feeling good for once and it made him feel going about himself mentally. He finally felt perfect.   
~  
~  
"Will he be okay?" A concerned voice rang in Jisung’s ears. 

"He'll be alright. He wasn't out for long. Ji, can you hear me?" Chan. It was Chan’s voice. When Jisung finally came to, Chan looked relieved. 

"What… what happened?" the rapper asked. 

"You said something about feeling ill, then you passed out." Chan responded. Jisung had no recollection of that happening at all. "You were only out for maybe thirty seconds, if even that."

"Oh…"

"We're heading out now so no more practice for you. You must've overworked yourself." the leader slowly helped Jisung up, supporting him with a strong arm around his tiny waist. Jisung only nodded as Chan escorted him out, helping him into the van. 

The ride home was a bit awkward. Changbin slept in the seat in front of Jisung and Chan sat practically right up against Jisung. 

"So," Chan began, "tell me what's really going on."

Jisung choked up. This was it. He was finished. He felt so great all day until now. Chan put him on the spot and this time, there was no way out. He opened his mouth to answer, confess everything. Come clean about not eating, purging, just everything. Instead, he cried. Tears filling his eyes so much. Sobbing to the point of breathing felt more impossible than anything. Chan only consoled him, not even attempting to get the boy to talk, only calming him. 

Chan must be some angel because he finally got Jisung calm enough that he could breathe. "I'm sorry." was the first thing he could say. 

"Sorry for what?"

"Everything." Jisung wiped his nose with his sleeve. It was gross, but he didn't care. "I…" this was it, "I'm not okay. Clearly. I hate myself more than anything. I starve myself. I throw everything up. I can't stop weighing myself…" a lump in Jisung’s throat formed. "I have thoughts that are darker than my nightmares. I just want… to die." and then he cried again. Chan was in shock. He wasn't sure how to respond. He wasn't the type to cry much, but hearing what he did, he cried too. A couple of tears silently falling out of his eyes, whispers of "I'm so sorry", "it's okay", and "we'll get through this".  
~  
~  
Jisung shot up in bed, head spinning for a few moments. Did he really tell Chan everything? Jisung tried his best to remember what happened today. He remembers making out with Minho, going back to dance practice, eating nothing when lunch and dinner came around… and anything after that was a blur. He doesn’t even remember going to bed. He looked around his bed for his phone, turning it on to see the time. The light hurt his eyes because of the brightness. The digital clock on his phone read “2:47”. It was too early for anything and the frail boy was exhausted, so he opted to going back to sleep. He knows Chan would still be up at this time and he could ask him what happened, but he didn’t have the energy for that, let alone even get out of bed. Sleep now, questions later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I know it's been a long time since I've updated this story, but I've been really busy with school. I'm a senior in high school so I'm trying to push everything to get it over with. I hope you are all doing well! I also suck at smut and can't bring myself to fully write it, so I'm sorry this was rushed smut! Anyway, please enjoy this chapter! See you in the next one!

**Author's Note:**

> National eating disorder hotline: (800) 931-2237
> 
> You are not alone. I love you


End file.
